Every day was an invitation, an opportunity, a chance to drink again. It wasn’t that I necessarily longed for the alcohol, but alcohol was part of the social life I loved. It was always just a social thing.
Except when it wasn’t anymore. It became an open invitation to kissing random guys in bars….at concerts….in cars…which eventually led to sleeping with boyfriends. These were boyfriends – men who technically weren’t under any obligation to stay loyal to me. I felt wanted in the moment, but I woke up with an “ick” feeling every time knowing I wasn’t honoring who I was. I even felt used in dating relationships. Something always felt off but I didn’t know how to fix it. It was a harmful cycle primarily fueled by alcohol. Drink, kiss, maybe sleepover?…repeat. There was nothing truly fulfilling about this pattern. I felt weighed down and stuck and frustrated that I had gotten myself in this cycle.
However — I could never get away from the pull towards living life fully surrendered to the God I had met in childhood. I still knew Him, kind of. At least I thought maybe I did. (Spoiler alert: He knew me the whole time. He created me, after all) He knew how I needed to see Him working. I just didn’t know it yet.
I also didn’t yet know how free I could be if I lived everyday FOR Him, instead of living like He only existed on Sunday. Sunday. The day I’d go to church and plead for forgiveness. Where I’d cringe during most of the sermon because I couldn’t even remember what had happened the night before. Where my stomach would churn and flip flop. Where I’d weep because I knew I wasn’t living the life I wanted but I didn’t actually know how to change it. But every Sunday I was there. Showing up is half the battle, right? But my spirit knew a FULLY surrendered relationship with Jesus was how I could be free.
During this time I dated a guy who gave me a bike chain keychain. It was sturdy and strong and also a bottle opener. I broke up with him, but I kept the keychain attached to my keys because it was useful. After a few more unhealthy relationships and many more drinks, I started to plan a “breakaway” from my own lifestyle. I was planning to move out of state and start over, basically to run away, make new friends, and find a new job. I also knew I wanted a rock solid relationship with God. I became so hungry for the things of God that I was willing to try anything. So I cried out to God. “God help me to change and show me how to break free!”
A few days later, I was walking up the steps to my apartment and heard something fall to the ground. I stopped in my tracks. I looked down and saw the bike chain hook had completely broken in half and the entire bottle opener had fallen off of my keychain. I immediately knew God was speaking to me. He broke the chain! And simultaneously, my “chains” were broken!! In that moment, it was a final confirmation that my drinking habits were separating me from a full relationship with God, my creator and Father. I didn’t even have to do ANYTHING but cry out for help and He answered me. By breaking off the physical chain in my hand, He showed me how He was breaking off the chains that were holding me back from walking worthy of what He called me to! True freedom was available to me and I had a choice to make.
I’m so thankful God speaks to us in ways we can understand. He literally had to break a chain in my hand for me to believe He could break off spiritual chains holding me in bondage. It was also in that moment that my desire for drinking diminished. I suddenly believed God had created me for a purpose greater than the lifestyle I was living. I also made the conscious choice to remove myself from situations which made me feel vulnerable. I started to turn down many invitations to hit up the bar. I was thankful for friends who knew the Lord well and asked them for prayer and for help to keep me accountable. I was encouraged by many people at my church who didn’t even know my story. God used them to speak in to my life at a time when healing and restoration were so necessary. I began to change what I did with my time. I read my Bible. I began to go to conferences and Bible studies that challenged my old ways of thinking. I was hungry for the things of God and sought out opportunities to grow closer to Him. God even used a friend to pray with me to erase the negative details from my escapades – and God freed me from those memories! Stepping out of that unhealthy cycle required me to be fully surrendered to God. Occasionally the urge to take a sip would resurface and I needed to lean on God to help me say no. I couldn’t tiptoe in the “gray areas” any longer. God had my whole heart and I wanted to know His.
Fast forward a few short years…
God has completely flipped my life upside down in the best way possible. Crying out to Him and laying my life at His forgiving feet changed everything for me. I didn’t have to move out of town; instead I married the most wonderful godly man who forgave me for all of that nonsense and who chose to love all of me despite my past choices. Needless to say, it’s been an incredible and redemptive journey with God. When He is in charge, life becomes WAY more fun. Following Him is the most exciting adventure of my life. He has given me abundant wisdom with this whole parenting thing, been the arms I can run to in every single situation, and the one who encourages me to encourage others. His Word is my lifeline – I can turn to the pages of the book He has written to build my faith, find answers, and find true stories of hope, mercy, and grace. “My truth” got deleted when I started reading the Bible and spending time in His glorious presence – all that matters is His Truth. The Truth. The Truth is that God’s Son, Jesus, gave us the victory over all things when He died on the cross so that we may be saved, set free, and our chains can be broken! Hallelujah!